I'll name and shame all those one-shoe dumpers - a shocking sign of the times

I stopped at The Wild Geese restaurant in Cork just outside Mallow. Then the sign hit me. The sign that changed my way of looking at life forever.

Is there any hope for mankind? There was a clothes reclaiming unit in the Wild Geese car park. Old clothes were left there for charity in the recycling unit. The sign was there on the side of the bin for all to see. There can be no excuses for those who broke the rules of engagement.

I'm sure new clothes were deposited too.

I was told a story about a new wedding dress that was dumped in one of the recycling bins. It left me wondering just why anyone would give up a new wedding dress. Was it how the wedding was called off or could it be the bride dumped the dress by way of protest if the husband had an affair or forgot to put out the bins? I will come back to the sign shortly. First though we will continue with the stories of dumped wedding dresses.

The woman who hasn't had sex for 39 years made curtains out of her wedding dress but she had short enough legs and the wedding dress didn't cover all of the window.

It was as if her wedding dress/curtains were permanently at half- mast by way of sympathy for the failed marriage.

So the Mrs 39 cut the wedding dress into pieces and made rags for cleaning. It was her way of getting her own back on the husband who ran off with a young one and never came back, which was the best thing he ever did.

I'm guessing that was about 39 years ago.

But as I was saying until I interrupted myself, it was the sign outside The Wild Geese that did my head in.

It read something like "do not leave single shoes in recycling bin".

I should have taken a picture but it was only when I got back on the road that the significance of the sign really hit me. I could think of little else on the way to Cork.

As we all know, single shoes are no use to anyone - only a one- legged man.

This has nothing whatsoever to do with the sign, but talking about a one-legged man reminded me of a saying I heard in the bar one night about a year ago.

It was about a man standing for election and his name was Donald Trump. The president-in-waiting was 50/1 to become President.

"That Trump has as much chance of becoming president of the United States as a one-legged man has of winning an arse-kicking competition," the naysayer said.

Apologies to one-legged men.

But never mind all that, he's elected now and it's time to start building a bunker. I must search for those iodine tablets the Government gave out about 15 years ago as a precaution against nuclear attack. But not even the end of civilisation as we know it could distract me from the one-shoe shuffle.

The very thought of thoughtless people dumping one shoe in the bin troubled me greatly. It's hard enough to lose a shoe, unlike socks. It's one of the great mysteries of the universe, isn't it? Where do all the odd socks end up? But shoes are different, aren't they? Different to socks, that is. Odd shoes are useless so it could be the one-shoe dumpers are trying to cause trouble.

I threw away a perfectly good pair one time after I stepped into dog doo. Although I did hear that a fork is a great way of removing the doo from those crevice-like ravines in the soles of the shoes. Obviously there is no need to throw away the shoes when a cheaper fork can be thrown away instead.

Tim O' Carroll was a close friend of yours truly. Tim suffered from a kidney disease and eventually lost both legs. We were all very upset for Tim who was great fun and a very brilliant self-educated man. He lived in America for a good many years and was a trade union man.

When Tim lost the first leg he put an ad in the paper and it read "For Sale. One careful owner. 7 right shoes." Just for laughs.

This is probably about the fourth time I've told this story here so don't go looking for your money back off the newsagent, or the internet provider.

Still though, I'm sure you will agree that Tim's story is inspiring and well worth repeating.

But again this has no relevance to the story of the people who deposit only one shoe in the recycling bin outside The Wild Geese.

Sometimes you see a shoe hanging off the electricity wires, which I'm told means there are drugs on sale nearby.

Every village and town in Ireland has drug dealers now and there's no need to hang the shoes off the wires. Just ask anyone under 30.

Before I forget, The Wild Geese served up very nice food, although interestingly there was no goose on the menu. Everyone there was wearing two shoes, so The Wild Geese is not in any way responsible for the dumping of single shoes. Maybe that's where the expression Goody Two Shoes comes from.

There may have been goose on the menu. I didn't see any, but then again I was addled over the one-shoe dumpers and their selfish indifference to the plight of the sorters who sift through the dumped footwear looking for matches.

It could be revenge dumping. Like as in the scenario when you hide a shoe if the partner is going out drinking so he or she couldn't go out.

When I was a boy and there were pterodactyls in Ireland, if the husband was drinking too much, the wife had to be cleverer. There were no partners back then except in games of 25 or the Kerry version which was called 41. The 25 and 41 mentioned here are card games.

So if the husband went out with the boys for a few beers, then the wife would hide his false teeth when he came home.

The teeth were usually stolen from the glass beside the bed where the teeth were taking a dip and the drinker was snoring away.

The loss of the teeth was upsetting enough appearance-wise, and for chewing. The husband could only communicate in a whistle through the gaps in his teeth or by a succession of sonar, dolphin-type tongue clicks.

It might be a good idea to put CCTV on the recycle bin. The culprits could be identified and outed. We could put voluntary private investigators on one-shoe watch. I personally pledge to name and shame the culprits here in this very column.

There are two kinds of people in the world. The first kind are one-shoe dumpers who will bring us all down, and the second are the good ones who deposit two shoes. Which are you?